I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
