no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
