i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
