why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
