You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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