OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
