So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
