roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
