my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
