The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
