he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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