I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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