I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
