True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
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If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
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Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Two words: nipple clamps
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