Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
