fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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