Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
