Will you blow on my dice?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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