I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
My vagina just recognized that song.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
