I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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