No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
