if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
