8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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