I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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