before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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