so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
