I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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