We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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