i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
