This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
