just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
