they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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