Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
