SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Randomize
