fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
