so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
