So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
