I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
