: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
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OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
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Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.