I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.