i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.