The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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