I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
