You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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