I just pynch a tree in the face
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
