last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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