im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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