Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
