Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
