I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
being pregnant is like rehab
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
