Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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