Soap is not a condiment
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
