Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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