i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
