Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
so much tequila, so little girl.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
