In the future we'll all be gay
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
