What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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